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“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” — Carl Jung

Narcissistic abuse is a complex form of mistreatment that occurs when individuals are in close contact with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). A distinctive characteristic of this abuse is that the victim may suffer emotional, psychological, physical, and sometimes financial harm, while the abuser exhibits no guilt or empathy. This often results in the victim feeling devastated and abandoned

Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience chronic stress, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation as a result of the ongoing psychological manipulation and gaslighting tactics employed by the abuser. Neuroimaging studies have shown that exposure to chronic stress can lead to alterations in brain structure and function, particularly in regions associated with emotional processing and regulation, such as the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. Moreover, victims of narcissistic abuse may also exhibit changes in brain activity related to self-esteem and self-concept. Gaslighting and other forms of psychological manipulation by the narcissistic abuser can erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and identity over time. Neuroimaging studies have found that individuals who experience low self-esteem or negative self-concept may show alterations in brain activity in regions associated with self-referential processing, such as the medial prefrontal cortex.

These are the typical changes observed in individuals experiencing a narcissistic abuse environment

• Low Self-Esteem: Narcissistic abuse can undermine a person’s sense of self-worth and confidence. Victims may internalize the negative messages and criticisms from the narcissist, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
• People-Pleasing Behaviour: Victims of narcissistic abuse may develop a tendency to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own in an effort to avoid conflict or gain approval. This can manifest as excessive people-pleasing behaviour and difficulty asserting boundaries.
• Difficulty Trusting Others: After experiencing betrayal and manipulation in a narcissistic relationship, victims may struggle to trust others, including friends, family members, and romantic partners. This can lead to social withdrawal and difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
• Hypervigilance: Due to the unpredictable and manipulative nature of narcissistic abuse, victims may develop hypervigilance, constantly scanning their environment for signs of danger or manipulation. This heightened state of alertness can lead to anxiety and difficulty relaxing or feeling safe.
• Boundary Issues: Narcissists often disregard the boundaries and autonomy of others, leading victims to have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships. This can result in a pattern of allowing others to overstep boundaries and difficulty asserting one’s own needs and preferences.
• Emotional Dependency: Victims of narcissistic abuse may become emotionally dependent on the narcissist for validation, approval, and a sense of self-worth. This dependency can make it difficult for victims to break free from the abusive relationship and establish independence.
• Self-Blame and Guilt: Narcissists often blame their victims for the abuse, shifting responsibility away from themselves. Victims may internalize this blame and develop feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame for the problems in the relationship.
• Difficulty Identifying Red Flags: Victims of narcissistic abuse may have difficulty recognizing the warning signs of toxic relationships in the future due to their experiences of gaslighting and manipulation. This can make them vulnerable to being drawn into similar abusive dynamics in the future.

Narcissistic abuse follows a cycle, typically it has 3 phases

1. Idealization Phase

This phase is often referred to as the “love bombing” stage. Individuals with NPD will shower their potential partners or those close to them with excessive admiration, flattery, and attention, making them feel incredibly special. The narcissist presents an irresistible image of themselves, often mirroring the desires and ideals of their partner. This stage is characterized by:

• Intense affection and romance.
• Grand gestures and promises.
• Excessive communication and attention.
• Projection of a perfect partnership.

2. Devaluation Phase

Once the narcissist feels secure in the relationship, their demeanour shifts significantly. The idealization phase gives way to criticism, and the same attributes once praised are now scrutinized and devalued. This phase may involve:

• Criticism and belittling, often about the very traits initially adored.
• Emotional withdrawal and coldness.
• Manipulative behaviours, including gaslighting and blame-shifting.
• Reduced empathy and increased neglect of the partner’s emotional needs.

3. Discard Phase

The final phase occurs when the narcissist decides that their partner is no longer of value to them or when their partner starts to assert boundaries. The narcissist may end the relationship or emotionally distance themselves, often abruptly. Characteristics of this phase include:

• Sudden disregard for the partner’s feelings or needs.
• Possible cheating or overt interest in other partners.
• Ignoring or minimizing the partner’s emotional expressions.
• Full withdrawal or ending of the relationship without closure for the partner.

Here are some recommendations

For individuals impacted by narcissistic abuse, reflecting on their experiences and engaging in activities which improve their confidence and self image are crucial steps towards healing and regaining a sense of self.

Some ideas to reflect on..

• Can you identify which phase(s) of the narcissistic abuse cycle you experienced? How did each phase make you feel, and what signs indicated a transition from one phase to another?
• Reflect on how the devaluation and discard phases affected your self-esteem and emotional well-being. What were some specific instances where you felt your self-worth was undermined?
• Have you noticed any changes in your behaviour, such as people-pleasing or difficulty trusting others, that developed as a result of the abuse? How do these behaviours affect your current relationships?
• What coping mechanisms have you adopted to deal with the stress and anxiety caused by the abuse? Are there any you’ve found particularly helpful or others you wish to change?
• Having learned about the characteristics of narcissistic abuse, what red flags will you be more vigilant about in future relationships?

Practice Affirmations

"Every day, I grow stronger and more resilient."
"I am worthy of respect and love."
"I choose to surround myself with people who treat me with kindness and respect."
"I release the hold that the past has on me and embrace my future with hope."
"I am deserving of a peaceful and joyful life."
"I trust in my ability to unlock the path to my own healing."
"Every step I take is one of courage and growth."
"I possess the strength to create a healthy, new beginning."
"I am capable of moving beyond my fears to create my best life."
"My voice is valuable and my feelings are valid’’

Activities that can be done..

• Write a letter to your past self during one of the phases of narcissistic abuse, offering compassion, understanding, and advice based on what you know now. This can be very difficult and can take time, but this will raise self awareness and help you to clearly state the non negotiable for your future. Guilt and shame that you may experience while writing this can also be difficult to process, but I would highly recommend you to right few pages of how it felt to be in that situation.
• Engage in role-playing exercises either with a trained professional or a supportive friend to practice setting boundaries. Start with hypothetical situations that might be less emotionally charged before addressing situations similar to those you’ve experienced
• Regularly practice mindfulness, meditation, or yoga to help manage anxiety, regain focus on the present, and reduce feelings of hypervigilance
• Take professional help if that’s valuable for you
• Check out this psychometric test and see if you are able to recognise the listed behaviours in your intimate partner (use either of the below test, both of them are used in academic researches)
  • https://psytests.org/darktriad/pnien.html
  • https://psytests.org/darktriad/npi40en.html
• Take a look at the questionnaire given at this website to review the impact from the abuse (coming soon!)
• Have a look at the free self help course to start the recovery journey (coming soon!)

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